en 
de 
June Boyce-Tillman, editor of the book series Music and Spirituality
This is part 4 in a series on Finding Forgiveness.
The Church often preaches an instant forgiveness with little informed help:
Christians have too often met [survivors of abuse] instead with indifference, suspicion and incredulity. They have been reluctant to address their cry for care and their cry for justice. They have preferred to advise, preach and give their counsel rather than to listen, learn and simply be alongside. They have thought that they know the journey to be travelled and the speed it should take, and have sometimes compounded suffering and harm through what was imagined to be pastoral ministry. [1]
Others indicate that forgiveness is not at all possible and leave people in the permanent state of survivor. This book sets out the lengthiness of the journey but the possibility of an arrival:
VIA NEGATIVE
Bilinda[2] (2014) (who lost her husband in Rwanda) presents us with four choices at the outset:
- To acknowledge the reality of what had happened
- To reject revenge
- To acknowledge the common humanity of all involved
- To believe that God’s love could enable repentance on the part of the perpetrator.
Put together from other writers, there are many stages in what is a long and complex process:
- First stage — a safe place for the expression of anger and fear
- The need for the offence to be accepted as real and not forgotten[3]
- ‘Forgive and forget’ owes more to King Lear than Christian theology [4]
- The second stage — naming the shame and guilt
- The third stage — reconciliation with the self and giving up self-persecution by damaging behaviours
- Giving up the survivor identity — can be done through creativity, ritual and a supportive community[5]
Forgiveness is a process not a product and can be lifelong for the deepest wounds. Not to forgive is to damage not the other person, but one’s self. It is to let go of the past and not be continually trapped by it. I have learned this slowly and painstakingly. I have had good tools:
- Faith — meaning-making
- Prayer — re-centering
- Ritual
- Creativity
- Support by people with a similar meaning frame as yourself
- Belonging
- Gratitude
- Wonder
- Embracing paradox
Questions: Where does forgiveness come from? Where are you in that process, personally and culturally? Does your church teach forgiveness or simply preach it?
[1] The Faith and Order Commission (2016). The Gospel, Sexual Abuse and the Church; A theological resource for the local church. London: Church House Publishing, p. 40.
[2] Bilinda, Lesley (2014). Remembering Well: The Role of forgiveness in Remembrance. Anvil, 30 (2), contacted 1 February 2018.
[3] Flaherty, S. M. (1992). Woman, why do you weep? Spirituality for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Mahwah, NJ: Paulist Press.p141
[4] Fortune, Marie (2002). Pastoral responses to sexual assault and abuse: Laying a foundation. Journal of Religion and abuse, 3 (3), pp. 9–112.
[4] Shooter, Susan (2016). How survivors of abuse relate to God. London and New York: Routledge, pp. 12–14.
