Table Of Content
- About the author
- About the book
- This eBook can be cited
- Chapter 1. What Is This?
- Chapter 2. Memories of Mine
- Chapter 3. Incitements from a Young Girl’s Mind
- Chapter 4. Tiptoeing Out … and Back In
- Chapter 5. On the Way Out, But Still Very Much In
- Chapter 6. I’m Ready for a Conclusion
- Chapter 7. No More: A Ritual
- Chapter 8. Whose Stereotype Is This?
- Chapter 9. Abstracting My Healing Processes
- Chapter 10. Final Thoughts
- Appendix. Summarizing Trauma-Related Research to Promote Understandings of Social Trauma
This work is a representation of much encouragement. I should first thank the staff at Peter Lang, including Michelle Smith and Ashita Shaw who worked steadfastly with me during the acquisition process, and Jackie Pavlovic and Sarath Kumar, who made the book production process relatively straightforward and manageable. I also thank the anonymous peer reviewers who provided critiques of the work and suggestions to improve it. Even in its early iterations, they recognized the value of this work despite its difficulty “fitting in” to a clear genre.
My colleagues at UNCG, some who still roam the hall and others who have retired from in-office visibility, have been instrumental to the publication of this work. A special thank you to Saundra Westervelt, Steve Cureton, Ken Allan, Steve Kroll-Smith, Dave Kauzlarich, and Ting Wang. All of you have been shockingly supportive, thus reminding me of the acute power of help. I also wish to thank Carol Stack for her insightful comments as I worked my way through writing this book.←vii | viii→
In 2018, around the time that this book idea came to me, I proposed a new course at UNCG titled Considering Ourselves Offenders, Victims, and Survivors. The name has been disparaged as too long and the course content as unpleasant by some university folks, but the students who I have met through the class are magnificent. They are capable of grappling with ostracized ideas related to violence, cruelty, love, and respect. In our coming together and discussing our visions of the world, my questions about humanity have been reignited and my commitment to “us” has been renewed. To those of you who stay with me through this course, I appreciate your honest, complicated dedication.
I am fortunate to have a life partner, Kevin, who offers me unwavering reassurance and is perpetually patient and understanding of my interests and goings-on. Living just wouldn’t be the same without Kevin being beside, in front, and behind me. I am grateful too for my family and the amazing friendships that they provide. To Kevin, Brenda, Newell, Cheryl, and Tony, as well as the countless other teachers and friends who continue to appear in numerous forms, more than words can communicate, I thank you for making this life possible and this work imaginable.
“Get a piece of the rock!” Andrew Brolin1 said as he grabbed my backside. I tightened my legs and fixed my gaze at the head in front of me hoping to hide my humiliation. My thoughts screamed with sadness until Murry Browning’s laugh transformed them into stifled rage. This happened at least once a day, nearly every day of the school year. When we left the classroom to go to lunch or outdoor play, the teacher instructed us to line up alphabetically, putting Andrew directly behind me and Murray behind him. Hoping to remain hidden, hurt bubbled from my stomach into my throat, but I would push them back down with an inward stare. Why do we need to line up like this? Each time that line formed, my body stiffened. Nothing’s happening. Just stand still. Don’t move. If I pretend like it’s not happening, no one else will see it. Not moving was my power because Andrew’s grip threatened to weaken me so deeply that the only other possible reaction was dropping to the ground like lead. Instead, my body didn’t seem to flinch. No words came out of my mouth. No tears rolled down my face. I was as stiff and quiet as a corpse. In many ways, I was just that.
As I write this, I experience the same shameful feelings these encounters inspired over 30 years ago. I wish I could say that this was the only time I felt sexually violated.←1 | 2→
Feeling ashamed and angry towards myself and other people continued through most of my youth and young adulthood. In fact, blistering feelings of humiliation are not foreign to me. At gas stations, at work, driving down the road, and doing a myriad of other routine things, I would close my throat, dull my gaze numbly or pierce my eyes in such hatred that I wondered if I might ignite fire. I wondered why I got so much unwanted sexual attention. I don’t understand how I’m asking for it. What can I do to not be seen? Please just let me pump my gas. Please let me just drive to work. Can’t I just walk to class? Please, stop seeing me. I am not asking for you.
Tied to my experiences of being sexualized as a young person was an avalanche of further objectification, confusion, and loathing. Perhaps incongruous, I grew up with parents and siblings who were caring and supportive; they loved me in the ways in which they knew. This is true despite my writing and implying various issues of familial dysfunction in our relationships. To be sure, that dysfunction is and was experienced alongside affection and enjoyment. It’s funny – or perhaps not funny at all – how a sense of dread and loneliness can overshadow love; the opposite rarely seems the case. Some evolutionary scientists explain this by suggesting that adverse events threaten our existence, and thus, are given more attention. Social philosophers, such as Erich Fromm, Karen Horney, bell hooks, Cornwell West, and Patricia Hill Collins, suggest that over time an attentive standpoint toward adversity can wound our spirits and catapult us into a barren existence. For a healthy life, we must balance a recognition of our difficulties, sufferings, and pain with our opportunities, empowerment, and anticipation.
I became well-versed at compartmentalizing my life into sections of this and that. Participating in the world as a fragmented self seemed easier to manage. By my teenage years, I had become dedicated to reading about patterns of criminal offending, criminal injury, and victimization, and in the years that followed, I began completing my own research on these topics. I have toiled over data previously gathered from health, commerce, and law enforcement agencies as well as directly observed and interviewed hundreds of people about their lives in various settings and about various topics. All of this work, and what I read in preparation for and interpretation of it, helped me gain an awareness about the ways in which pain, trauma, and crises may encourage distrust, withdrawal, and a-sociability as well as a disassociation with one’s body. Perhaps not surprisingly, it also influenced and influences what, who, and how I saw, see, heard, hear, felt, feel.←2 | 3→
I Never Wanted to Be a Stereotype purposely blurs genres. This book centralizes my own life experiences and otherwise deviates from the convention of social science, so it is likely to be heavily criticized by social scientists for both its content and structure. (And, others may, of course, criticize it for a variety of other reasons.) I value the knowledge that scientific designs and frameworks can reveal. In fact, I value them so much that I make use of them in some of my own studies. But these are not the only way to discover and understand. In 1980, Clifford Geertz wrote about “genre mixing in intellectual life,” noting that it makes “difficult either to label authors … or to classify works.” Regardless of the difficulty, he welcomed such blending and suggested that it could deliver novel conceptions of human life. In the following pages, I write about how problematic objectification, hyper-sexualization, and socially encouraged silence can distort our experiences and our sense of who we are. I write about how I, over a lifetime, questioned myself and my world, especially in frustration, anger, and shame but also at times of contentment and pleasure. I write about how that felt. I write about how the relationship between me and the world both stabilized and changed as a result of confrontations, sometimes hinting at and sometimes explicating my need for balance between individuation and socialization, remembering and forgetting, and autonomy and reliance. In writing about these things, like in living, things get blurry.
The story I share in the following pages illustrates a myriad of things – how modern social arrangements may encourage alienation, trauma, or opportunity, which can result in disjointed visions of ourselves and other people and things around us; how the harassment of women is dismissed as normative under patriarchal conditions; how a sense of home, including geographical residence and class background, can root us in safety or unrest; how physical attributes, including gender displays and skin color, might limit and encourage certain life opportunities; and how persistent confrontations to (dis) empowering encounters are personified: loudly, quietly, and throughout the life course.←3 | 4→
I Never Wanted to be a Stereotype is a personal narrative that recounts provocations and attempts to overcome the sense of shame, unworthiness, confusion, and misperceptions associated with being objectified and feeling isolated. You’ll follow me through my adolescence, teens, young and middle-age adulthood, the latter of which I still reside. I write to you directly, detailing my memories while also providing some context about when and where certain events happened. I understand the limitations of memory. Sociologists and historians have discussed these problems at length. In Peter Berger’s Invitation to Sociology, for example, he mentioned the on-going processes of (re)interpreting the past to fit our present judgments of what is important. Others, including Maurice Halbwachs and existential sociologist Jack Douglas, have raised similar points as have more contemporary scholars such as Eviatar Zerubavel and Jeffrey Olick. Suffice it to say, because speaking directly about our memories is veiled by post-hoc rationalizations and perceptions, I include some “raw” or unfiltered journal entries and other creations I had previously composed to cope with, and arguably elicit, my sense of impending dread, angst, care, and hope. In doing so, I seek to bridge the equal importance of scholarship, imaginative expression, and embodied existence.
I began imaginative writing following a poetry assignment in junior high school. I found freedom in it. Around this same time, I started recording my dreams as well. I was attracted to the vividness of them. Fascinated by their content, I sometimes wrote them as short stories as if they were fictional narratives. Using my hands to hold the ball point pen or wooden No.2 pencil, seeing the lettering form on the brittle page … there was a lovely quality to it. In those written words, I was somehow apparent and absent. The phrasing seemed to come from a part of me that I hadn’t entirely met yet. But I liked her, that person I described. She was a bit disturbed, but enticingly familiar.←4 | 5→
In my early 20s while a college student at a community college near my Southern rural hometown, I learned that some psychologists viewed dreams as representations of unconsciousness or latent memories. While different in their stance on dreams and dream interpretation, many well-known social scientists, including Jacques Lacan, Carl Jung, Sigmund Freud, and Erich Fromm, viewed dreams as disclosure, a way to vent some hidden part of our Self. Erich Fromm, for example, argued that dreams were a means by which we are connected to ourselves from ourselves. He proposed that failing to analyze or trying to understand one’s dreams was a missed opportunity to uncovering a deep knowledge about ourselves, including how we manipulated our social world. Emphasizing dreams’ relation to psycho-social life, Rosalind Cartwright concluded that dreams help moderate negative or problematic emotions. Cartwright explains dreaming as a means by which to connect new memories to old ones, which helps the dreamer negotiate a healthful waking identity. A long-term dreamer, my curiosity about potential links between dreaming, problematic emotional disruption, well-being, and waking social identity has been long piqued. Although many people commonly mock rather than tout the virtues of dream analysis, I was never keen on dismissing dream analysis as a therapeutic endeavor. Although I began journaling my dreams many decades ago, I start using them for self-analytic purposes several years after the initial recordings. My dreams became a way that I got to know myself, or, at least, whom I thought I was in relation to others. Over the course of my life, I have spent a lot of energy and time chronicling my dreams and thinking through their interpretations.
- X, 200
- ISBN (PDF)
- ISBN (ePUB)
- ISBN (MOBI)
- ISBN (Book)
- Publication date
- 2021 (April)
- New York, Bern, Berlin, Bruxelles, Oxford, Wien, 2021. X, 200 pp., 10 b/w ill.